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One of my fondest memories of Juliet was our standing in line at Disney World and Juliet entertaining me by singing and telling elephant jokes. She loved elephant jokes. Especially silly ones. Here's every elephant joke I could find. If you know more, send them to me! Interbreeding Elephants Jokes What do you get when you cross an elephant and a couple of goldfish? What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant? What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber? What do you get if you cross a chicken with an elephant? What do you get when you cross an elephant and a jar of peanut butter? Those Sneaky Elephants Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles? Have you ever found an elephant in your custard? How can you tell if an elephant is colorblind? Why do elephants live in herds? By the way, what's that black triangle sticking out of the custard? Why do elephants wear small green hats? How did the elephant hide in a bottle of sauce? Why did the elephant paint himself black? Why do elephants paint their toenails red? Why do elephants have red eyes? Why do elephants wear green nail polish? Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green, yellow, orange, and purple? How do you know there's an elephant under your bed? How can you tell if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed? How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage? Why do elephants hide behind trees? How can you tell if an elephant has stolen your bicycle? How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in your bathtub? How do you smuggle an elephant across the border? Why don't you see elephants in elevators? Why do elephants wear dark sunglasses? How do elephants see at night? What's one way to catch elephants? What's another way to catch elephants? Unsorted Jokes How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge? When does an elephant charge? How do you stop an elephant from charging? You're in a phone booth and you see a herd of elephants charging towards you. What do you do? Why are elephants so wrinkled? Why do elephants have wrinkled knees? Why do elephants have wrinkled feet? Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles? Why do elephants wear tennis shoes? Why do elephants wear tennis shoes? Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? Why do elephants float on their backs? What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish, clomp, clomp, clomp, squish? Why do elephants wear ice skates? Why don't elephants play basketball? Where do you find elephants? What do you say when an elephant sneezes? Why do elephants travel in herds? What looks like an elephant and flies? Why do giraffes have long necks? How do you run over an elephant? How do you get an elephant into a telephone booth? How does an elephant get out of a telephone booth? Where do baby elephants come from? What do you call a six ton elephant walking down the street? Why don't elephants ride bicycles? Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towel? Why don't elephants like blue lace nightgowns? Why didn't the elephant cross the street? How do you make an elephant stew? What sound do you get when you drop an elephant down a mineshaft? What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp? What does an elephant smell like before he takes a shower? What does an elephant smell like after he takes a shower? What do you call elephants who ride on trains? What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk? What's brown, has four legs, and a trunk? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? What did the elephant say when he walked into the bar? How do you kill an elephant? How do you kill an elephant who can breathe under water? How would stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle? Why do all the marching elephants suddenly raise their right leg? Why do elephants wear gloves? How do you get an elephant out of the water? How do you get two elephants out of the water? How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass? Why don't elephants wear purple coats? Do you think an elephant looks silly wearing pearls? Why did the elephant wear silver earrings? Why do elephants need trunks? Why don't elephants wear bikinis? What do you call 500 elephants at a concert? Why don't elephants cross their eyes? Can elephants see at night? What do you do when an elephant has hay fever? Why do so many elephants live in zoos? What happened when the elephant took a bus? What does an elephant do for a cold? What would happen if elephants had feathers? How do you fill an elephant's tooth? How can you tell if there's an elephant in the back seat of your car? Why are elephants vegetarians? Why did the elephant buy a blonde wig? Why don't elephants go to costume parties? Why don't drunks see blue elephants? Why did the elephant take geometry? Where does a ten-ton elephant sleep? Why don't elephants buy ten-speed bikes? Why don't elephants have long toenails? Why don't elephants use typewriters efficiently? Why don't elephants smoke? Why do elephants have good memories? Why did the elephant take up the saxophone? What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant? How did the mouse pick up the elephant? Why don't elephants water ski? Why do elephants spray themselves with water? Why don't elephants like beer? How can you tell an elephant from a giraffe? Why don't elephants do the minuet? Why don't elephants take subway trains? Why don't elephants like mice? Why do elephants live on the savanna? Should you laugh when an elephant makes a people joke? Why did the elephant call in sick? Where do blue elephants come from? Where do white elephants come from? Where do yellow elephants come from? How do you kill a yellow elephant? Why don't elephants chew gum? Why don't pink elephants make good bartenders? Why do elephants give themselves showers? Why don't a lot of elephants have Master's degrees? Why do elephants sleep with their legs in the air? Why are elephants terrible dancers? Why did the elephant go over the mountain? How do you scold an elephant? When twelve elephants fall into a lake, what is the first thing they do? What did the elephant do when he broke his toe? Why did the elephant leave the zoo? How do you get a napkin from under an elephant? How can you keep an elephant from smelling? How long should an elephant's legs be? Why do elephants have ivory tusks? Why do elephants have pointed tails? How do you make an elephant light? Why do elephants trumpet? How can you tell if there's an elephant on your back during a hurricane? What do elephants have that no other animals have? How do we know elephants are always unhappy? What's the difference between an elephant and a doughnut? What do you get when an elephant squirts water from its trunk? How many elephants can you put into an empty sack? Why do elephants have short tails? What's the difference between an elephant and a bison? What's big, grey and mutters? What's worse than a giraffe with a sore neck? What did the psychiatrist charge the elephant? What's a flying elephant? What do you do if an elephant has a cold? What did the elephant say over the microphone? What's big, grey and dangerous? What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? "Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing elephants with big yellow spots!" How does an elephant dive into a pool? What do you call a baby elephant in water? What's the first thing an elephant does in the morning? How do you get an elephant from a bowl of cake mix? How do you treat an elephant? How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? How do you catch an elephant? How does an elephant go on holiday? How does an elephant go on holiday? Why can't two elephants go swimming together? Why don't elephants drink martinis? Why are chickens white and elephants grey? What is the difference between an elephant and a mailbox? What's grey and lights up? How do you know when there is an elephant in the bath with you? Why don't elephants ride busses during rush hour? If you're colorblind, how do you tell an elephant from a grape? What kind of elephants live at the North Pole? Why do elephants have trunks? What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds? What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? What do elephants take when they get hysterical? What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? How do elephants talk to each other? Why do elephants have cracks between their toes? What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants? What is beautiful, grey, and wears glass slippers? How can you tell an elephant from spaghetti? Why are elephants so smart? What's clear on the outside and grey on the inside? Why do elephants wear sandals? Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? How do you make an elephant float? Why did the elephant cross the road? How many legs does an elephant have? What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? Why do elephants drink so much? What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside? What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside? What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? What do you get if you take an elephant into work? How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you? Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools? What do you call an elephant who is an expert on skin disorders? Why do elephants have trunks? Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road? What do you give a seasick elephant? Why do elephants lay on their backs? Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass? What has two tails, two trunks, and five feet? Why did the elephant cross the road? What's grey and puts out forest fires? What's Smokey the Elephant's middle name? What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies? What do elephants use for slippers? What did the peanut say to the elephant? What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant? What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? How do you equalize the two? What did the grape do when it was stepped on by an elephant? What was so stupid about the two elephants who walked into a bar? When can you fit 10 elephants under 1 umbrella and keep them all dry? What's green and has a trunk? How do you keep an elephant from stampeding? What would you get if Batman and Robin were run over by a herd of stampeding elephants? What's the difference between an elephant and peanut butter? If an elephant didn't have a trunk, how would he smell? What's red, blue, yellow, green, orange, purple, and white? How do you kill a Madras elephant? What did one elephant say to the other elephant? Why don't many elephants go to college? Why do elephants have little, squinty eyes? Why do elephants have flat feet? Why did the elephant fall out of the palm tree? Why do girl elephants wear angora sweaters? What has twelve legs, is pink, and goes "Bah, bah, bah!" Why do elephants wear glasses? Why did the white elephant lie on his back in the water and stick his feet up? Why do elephants' tusks stick way out? Why do elephants live in jungles? Why do elephants have teeth? Why do elephants have toenails? Why do elephants have long toenails? Why do elephants have long toenails on Friday? Why do elephants wear sneakers when jumping from tree to tree? What's gray and white and red all over? How do elephants earn extra money? Why do elephants like peanuts? What's the difference between a girl elephant and a boy elephant? How do elephants dive into swimming pools? Why do elephants go to bed late? Why do elephants walk on the lily pads? Why are elephants trumpeters? How do you make a slow elephant fast? When you buy elephants, what should you always check for first? Why do elephants never lie? Why does an elephant never forget? Why don't elephants listen to the radio? Why can't elephants hitchhike? Why do elephants have dirty knees? What's the difference between an elephant and a flea? Why don't elephants take ballet lessons? What's worse than an elephant on water skis? What's the biggest ant of all? What's one way to catch an elephant? What's the difference between a chicken and an elephant? What time is it when an elephant gets into your bed? What's black, likes peanuts, and weighs two tons? What weighs two tons, has tusks and loves pepperoni pizza? What weighs two tons and has red spots? What's the difference between a tiny elephant and a gigantic mouse? What's worse than an elephant with a sore nose? How can you tell if there is an elephant in your sandwich? What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry? While hiking, a Tenderfoot Scout and an Eagle Scout came across an elephant. "He should be taken to the zoo." said the Eagle Scout. The Tenderfoot agreed. The next day, the Eagle Scout saw the Tenderfoot and the elephant still together. "You were supposed to take him to the zoo," said the Eagle Scout. "I did," replied the Tenderfoot," and today I'm taking him to the movies. A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a magician." "What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked. "We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk and sawed it in half." "The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked. "No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death."
Only With A Permit How do you kill a purple elephant? How do you shoot a red elephant? How do you shoot a green elephant? How do you shoot a pink elephant? How do you shoot a yellow elephant? How do you kill a pink elephant? How do you kill a white elephant? How do you kill a gray elephant? Aerial Elephants How do elephants get up into oak trees? What if they don't want to wait fifty years? How do elephants get down from oak trees? Why do elephants have flat feet? Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? Why is it dangerous to go into the forest after 4:00 in the afternoon? Why are pygmies so small? What's that stuff between an elephant's toes? What is a furry alligator? Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree? And why did the tree fall down? Why is there a nine o'clock curfew in the forest? Why do crocodiles have flat noses? Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock? What is that stuff between elephants toes? Why do elephants paint their toenails red? How did Tarzan die? Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Me, Tarzan! You, Elephant! What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? What did Jane say say when she saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming over the hill? What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on coming over the hill? What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance? What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw three elephants in sunglasses coming down the path? What did the elephant say when he met Tarzan? What did the elephants say to General deGaulle? What did Jane say when she saw an elephant in formal attire? What did Tarzan say? What did the elephant say? It Comfortably Seats...? What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car? What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car? What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car? How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagen? How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen? How do you fit five elephants into a Volkswagen? How do you fit six elephants in a Volkswagen? What did the seventh elephant in the Volkswagen discover? How many giraffes can you fit in a Volkswagen? The Lion, King of the Beasts, called a meeting of all the animals. Everyone showed up
except the elephants. Why? What game you elephants play in Volkswagens? How do you fit 4 elephants into a red mini-van? And a really, really big box of baking soda How do you fit an elephant into a fridge? How do you fit a giraffe into the fridge? How can you tell an elephant has been in your fridge? How can you tell if two elephants have been in your fridge? How can you tell if three elephants have been in your fridge? How can you tell if four elephants have been in your fridge? How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house? How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge? How do you get 8 elephants in a fridge? How do you get Tarzan in the fridge? How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge? How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge? Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? How do you know when there are two elephants in your refrigerator? How can you tell if three elephants are in your fridge? How many elephants can you actually put in a refrigerator? How can you tell when there is an elephant in your refrigerator? How can you tell when there've been four elephants in your refrigerator? More oops! Why are elephants' feet round? Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon? Why are frogs so short? Why do ducks have flat feet? Why do elephants have flat feet? How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? Surreal Elephant Jokes Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly? What is grey and not there? What is the difference between an elephant and a plum? What do you know when you see five elephants walking down the street wearing red sweatshirts? What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Dirtier Elephants What do elephants use for ben-wa balls? Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? What sound do monkeys hate most? What did the female elephant say during sex? How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb? What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need? What's big, green, slimy, and hangs from tall trees? How do you get an elephant to come in a thimble? How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble? How do you get an elephant to come in a Suburu? What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? How do you know if you pass an elephant? Where is the elephant's largest sex organ? Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads? Why are pygmies so short? What's grey and comes in quarts? How can you tell if elephants have been fucking in your backyard? Why does an elephant have four feet? What do you get when you cross an elephant with a gorilla? What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan? What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat? What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? What's the biggest drawback of the jungle? Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin? What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen? What do elephants use for condoms? What do elephants use for vibrators? What do elephants use for tampons? Why do elephants have long trunks? Why do elephants travel in herds? What's the moral of these jokes? Why do rivers run red in Africa? What do you get when you cross an elephant and a hooker? What do you do with an elephant with three balls? What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you know when an elephant has its period? How do you make an elephant fly? How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass? How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Ever see an elephant in a mango tree? What is the most frightening sounds an elephant can hear? How did Tarzan die? A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, the man didn't have a lot to work with, so his doctor came up with a radical new procedure. This particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. The man healed rapidly and the penis seemed to be working just fine. Overjoyed, the man went out with his new girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant. Things were going great. But after cocktails and sometime during the salad, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll from the bread basket, and quickly disappeared back under the tablecloth. It would be an understatement to say that the girl was startled. "What was that?" she exclaimed. Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll from the bread basket, and just as quickly disappeared back under the table. The girl was silent for a moment. Finally she said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw. Can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile, the man replied, "Sweetie, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" One afternoon, the good witch was flying along over the forest when she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in their frog games. Boo hoo." "Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite happy with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in their elephant games. Boo hoo." Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch. Three bored scientists were discussing one day what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's butt and force fed it for 2 weeks. Naturally, a little research showed that the silly experiment had never been tried. They were very, very bored so they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started, they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: who was going to pull the cork out? One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job. So they spent the next week training the monkey to pull a cork out of a model elephant once a buzzer buzzed, then push the cork back in for another go. The monkey was a quick study. The big day arrived. The monkey looked ready and the elephant looked uncomfortable. The scientists set up all their monitoring equipment and retreated to a safe distance, leaving the monkey and the elephant at ground zero. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away, and the third went 3 miles away. When they were all ready, the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!! The third scientist who was 3 miles away from the elephant was almost immediately up to his ankles in elephant shit. The second scientist who was 2 miles away was up to his knees in shit. And the first scientist who was only 1 mile away was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away, they noticed that he was having fits of uncontrollable laughter. "What the hell is so funny?" asked one of the scientists. "You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!" A father, mother, and son decide to go to the zoo one day. Soon they are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The young boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it, and says, "Mommy, what's that long thing?" His mother, not paying attention, replies, "That's the elephant's trunk." The boy knows better than that. "No, Mommy. At the other end!" The mother still isn't paying attention. "That's the elephant's tail." The little boy raises his voice. "No, Mommy. I mean the long thing under the elephant." The boy's mother looks up, looks at the elephant, and finally sees what the boy has been asking about. There's a short embarrassed silence after which she finally replies, "That's nothing." She breathes a sigh and goes to buy some ice cream. The boy, not satisfied with his mother's answer, turns to his father and asks the same question. "Daddy, what's that long thing?" "That's the elephant's trunk, son," replies the father. The boy stomps his foot. "No, Daddy! At the other end!" "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, no! I mean the long thing under the elephant," yells the son in desperation. His father looks up. "Oh. I see. Well, son, that's the elephant's penis. Why do you ask?" The boy answers, "Well, Mommy just told me it was nothing." His father smiles. "I tell you, son. I spoil that woman!" An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning, the ant wakes up and finds that the elephant is dead. "Damn," says the ant. "One night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!" The Elephant, or so it seems, A lady while dining at Crewe,
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